I started naming the voices in my head after hearing a professor talk about Titivillius, the Devil’s Demon who counts up the Monks typos in the monastery copy room. Counting errors. I have a special voice in my head that does that all the time. I can recount my life’s failings, missed opportunities, doors-not-walked-through… I named the voice that nags me about my failings. I named him Titivillius.
My big discovery was that once that voice was named, it was easier to yell “SHUT UP TITIVILLIUS.”
My voices are easier to manage if they have names.
I began to wonder if other voices were in my head and what names they might need. Amid the chatter about my life failings, I noticed that once in a while a theme would emerge about stuff I did right. Not the big projects that I had messed up, but the things that I think I do really well… Engaging the checkout clerks at stores and making them laugh. Performing street theater with total strangers to see if I can get them to laugh or engage in a discussion. I am pretty good at that! I make people giggle and laugh and sometimes laugh out loud. Pretty good Alex.
Who said that? What is that voice? What is the voice in my head that sees good stuff and congratulates me or approves or just gives a nodding gesture. I tried to figure out the name of the voice in my head that was positive, upbeat, congratulatory, and focused on success. It didn’t matter what success, just that a voice was being positive.
What is that voice’s name?
Maybe Prof? Or Mentor? Maybe I could name that voice after one of my professors. But none of them were particularly congratulatory or positive. Maybe I should name that voice for my mother, she was always upbeat on my stuff… But her voice is laden with that recording she left behind… “We only wonder what would have happened if you had only worked harder.”
I used to joke about the titles I had at UVI. I was Adjunct Visiting Assistant Professor of Communication. That is about as far from “Full Professor Emeritus” as possible. I wanted to retire as “Adjunct Visiting Assistant Professor EMERITUS”
I actually got my only promotion when the students voted me the Graduation parade marshal, and when I opened the graduation program, there was my name with “Assistant Professor”
No Adjunct! No Visiting! I was REAL!
So what’s the name for the voice in my head that tells me I am doing something right?
Emeritus!
